I am happy to announce that I have just gained Kryptonian super-powers and will soon be using my Heat Vision to destroy you all from space.

This moment has been long in coming. Apparently, the pollutants in the Earth’s atmosphere blocked the sun’s yellow rays sufficiently enough to delay my physical transformation. But after more than four decades of waiting, I can now finally confirm what I have suspected all along: I am descended from Kryptonian ancestry and am now the most powerful being on this planet.

Therefore, I have decided to extinguish your pathetic lives!

Ponder, miserable humans, on all the things that you once held of high importance: your petty territorial disputes, your irrelevant religious differences, your paltry biases regarding your racial origins, your obsession with the Kardashians and with Kristina Bernadette Cojuangco Aquino (I will make sure to destroy them first!) … None of them will matter once I conflagrate your fuel stores and overload your power plants with my burning gaze from space. Nothing will matter once I ignite your atmosphere and boil the blubber from your backs like slabs of meat on a barbecue.

Cower in fear, wretched humans! You have but hours to reflect on your misbegotten lives before I eradicate your existences forever!